Relationships can end in so many ways and when you don’t agree with each other, you often feel confused, angry and resentful. Because maybe you’ve been ghosted, cruelly left without explanation at any moment. Or because there was an infidelity experienced as a trauma. Between lies and even narcissistic abuse, the list is long, but the ending is often always the same: one gets mired in pain and anger without being able to get out of it. Forgiveness seems like an impossible act yet it can prove to be salvific not so much for the ex as for our mental health.
Camilla had this experience. Here is her story.
“After 4 years my man left me. He no longer answered my phone and disappeared. It’s been six months and I still don’t know why it ended. Lately things weren’t going well between us, I wasn’t happy either, but what terrified me was his behavior: running away instead of clarifying with me. No respect, consideration and affection: I experienced it as violence. He also dumbed down on the money I lent him and which he swore he would pay me back, leaving me in a difficult situation. I never cried because of how much anger I had in my body. I’ve been better lately, fortunately, because I understood that deep down he freed me from a story that didn’t work but from which I couldn’t tear myself away. But I really can’t forgive him, even though I know it could be the last step to move on once and for all”.
But is it right to forgive? Is it really good for those who can do it? And how do you get there? We talked about it with Stefania Lambiasepsychologist, psychotherapist and sexologist.
Is it possible to seriously forgive an ex who hurt us?
“Not always and not everyone manages to forgive, but it can happen, even if it is not a simple or immediate response to a relationship that has made us suffer or get angry. Sometimes it is very difficult, but in any case time tends to help: painful memories become less intense and emotions also fade and change, taking on different shades. Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean resuming relationships with the ex, much less absolving him of his responsibilities: they are different things and should not be confused. Reconciliation can take place on an inner level with ourselves and with the emotions we have felt towards the other”.
How does time play into forgiveness?“Forgiveness is a process, it requires physiological time to be processed. It cannot be forced. Often it is not a linear path, but involves an alternation of emotions and experiences. It usually has to do with a separation, with letting go, therefore it is also linked to the elaboration of a mourning, understood as the loss of a relationship or of the image of the other or of oneself. Time helps to see the relationship even at a safe distance and to take into consideration the positive aspects that have occurred. If we have been in a relationship with a person, there has undoubtedly been an exchange, certainly in the relationship we have nourished a part of us, in a functional or dysfunctional way, but that story in that moment of our life had a function, a meaning, for us”.
Why isn’t it easy to forgive?“It is difficult to forgive because it is not simple or immediate to “turn off” emotions on command like a switch. This requires time: elaboration, awareness, self-questioning, willingness to be able to redistribute responsibilities and understand how one may have been supporters or co-responsible for what happened. You can reflect on what happened in the relationship by asking yourself: “How did I allow this to happen?”, “What did I or didn’t do?”, “What could/should have done?”. The reflection that follows can bring out a sense of personal awareness, which can sometimes hide the difficulty in accepting another type of forgiveness: that towards oneself, for many reasons, such as having remained spectators rather than active agents in the relationship. Or for having allowed or endured something that did not respect one’s point of view and well-being”.
Is it really necessary to forgive?
“Let’s say that it is appropriate and desirable to be able to forgive in all those situations in which we feel that we are still emotionally tied to that person and we are unable to move forward. Let’s brood. The thought always goes there. The usually associated anger or resentment are emotions that maintain the bond, albeit in a negative way. At that point, forgiveness can be a chance to take control of one’s life, to start approaching a new partner again with greater openness or trust, given that after a negative experience the fear of suffering again usually remains and relational opportunities are lost which instead they can prove rewarding. Another risk is that of making a new partner pay for the disagreements linked to the previous story and therefore of not entering into a relationship with the other and not seeing him for what he is, because weighed down and influenced by a baggage of memories and emotions linked to the past”.
Forgiving has many different benefits. Which ones are they?“Forgiveness frees us from the intrusive presence of the other. It makes us return to ourselves, to pay attention to our desires, it helps us to get back on track in our lives. Accepting what happened can be an opportunity to learn from experience, with respect to what we want and what we want to avoid.
In many situations in psychotherapy, people need not only to forgive the other, but above all themselves, for what they have or have not done in that relationship and for what they have allowed. This is a truly courageous form of forgiveness because it blends awareness, responsibility, co-responsibility, the effort to look within and acknowledge one’s mistakes or shortcomings.
Forgiveness can truly be a beautiful opportunity to acquire greater awareness of ourselves and of the other, take control of one’s life and courageously remain present to oneself. Thus situations can be faced without getting entangled in previous relationships, experimenting with curiosity with what life presents us and looking for the nourishment we need and deserve.
How do you forgive: what is the type of path to take?“We must try to understand what happened, the dynamics of the relationship, the responsibilities of both. This helps to find even if there are ways that are repeated in one’s relationships. Then you have to let emotions emerge and listen to them, not try to chase them away quickly. They must be accepted. If you do, emotions can change and evolve. It is essential to take time for yourself and to pamper yourself, and also use it to understand what you want from a relationship and what you would not like to repeat “.
